Root Cause

Do you know that almost all people in this world have a chance to become an unlikeable person in a bad situation?

I do. Sometimes it only takes a teeny-tiny wrong situation to change people.

I have a small bad experience with people who suddenly became an unlikeable person. It happened once when I was on my shift. The place was so busy and there was a really long queue of customers. Usually there were not many people work at night shift, so everyone was extremely busy.

When the customers have to wait too long, sometimes they became impatient. Impatient people often said bad comments. One or two bad comments were bearable. But when it became harsh comments, it started to get on someone’s nerves – my co-worker’s nerves. She usually is a nice person. But at that time, she became an unlikeable person. She started yelling and saying unnecessary hurtful words not to the customers, but to her co-worker. Because of what? Because of the situation, she might be in a panic condition or only God knows what.

I’m a little bit of a sensitive person, I don’t like to be yelled or lectured when I was right, when I was doing my hard work. But then I remember, I had experienced the same kind of situation. I should have tolerated her, so I tried to understand. It works, even though until now I still don’t like her as much as before. At that time, I was trying not to be angry, to feel that it didn’t hurt, to try to brainwash myself that it was not her fault to be rude.

Sometimes people can do mistakes. Maybe, even the nicest person in the world. 

A couple of days ago, when I was home with kids, I was becoming the angry unlikable person. Because of what? Messy house, lots of things to do in the short time and I was not feeling well. I kept shouting to my kids, asking them to tidy up or quickly do what they must do. I know, I shouldn’t do that. I was becoming an unlikeable person for my kids.

I am the kind of person who will have mood swing whenever my place is messy. When I was young, I never realized how I can be really irritated with a messy place because my mum always kept the house clean and tidy. When the first time I moved out, I have less stuff so my share house was always clean and tidy. When I was working full time, Saturday morning was always my clean-up day, so I will have Saturday afternoon and whole Sunday to relax in a sparkling clean room. But now, with kids and husband, everything is different (they are a different kind of person from me, maybe it’s hard for them to understand what I felt).

So, there is always a way to not be an unlikeable person. In my case, I have to make my place to become an easy and manageable place. I’m still working on it. If you have the same issue – becoming unlikeable in a certain condition – my suggestion is to find the root cause 😊 good luck!

Lore by Alexandra Bracken

Finally, I finished this ‘Lore’ book. It took me more than a month to finish it. It was not because this book wasn’t good, mostly because I didn’t have much time to sit and read. Whenever I had a spare time, I was using it for sleeping😝.

The story was about a Greek mythology. I’m not really familiar with them so it took time for my brain to work out and remember every single character.

It was a good book, although there was a tiny part of the story which I wish it wasn’t there. But overall, it was a good story. The writer was good, I had all my predictions of the story wrong. The writer twisted the story in the last quarter part of the book. Even though the book felt slow at the first chapters (but, it might be because I’m not familiar with Greek Myth from the beginning).

If you are like me, who is not familiar with Greek mythology, this book might interest you and brought you to a new world. And if at the end of the story you are still feeling confused, the writer was kind enough to write extra pages to explain all the casts in the book.

Spectacles

These past weeks we’ve been busy ‘in and out’ almost all the optometrists around our area. Actually, it’s not ‘we’, it’s me 😀 I was the one dragging my entire family 😅 (because I need someone to help me be my eyes and have a good look on how I look 😝). I was looking for new glasses. Since I have high prescription and small face, finding the right glasses was not an easy task. Almost all the shops are selling glasses with large width, which is unfortunately not suitable for me 😔. On top of that, here comes another issue: I need a small lens area because high prescription means that the lens will be thicker around the edge. I don’t want jam-jar glasses. 

After days of visiting all that spectacles shop, with all the meltdown times (sometimes kids were cranky, sometimes it was me being too sensitive, sometimes all of us because another precious weekend was wasted) turned out glasses models these days are either big in the lens area or having a wide frame. Almost all of them looks big on me (maybe that’s the downside when you live outside of Asia, it’s hard to find the petite size). Every time I tried, there was always something that felt not right. Sometimes it’s the size, sometimes the nose pad, sometimes the colour. 

Closing to the end of the month, I was nowhere near on finding the right glasses. I had almost given up. Until one night, my finger leads me to one of my Facebook groups and read one of the recent post about another recommended nearby spectacles shop. We went to that shop half an hour before they’re closed. It’s a small, neat, and lovely shop. I love their wooden door, even though it was heavy (I know it was nothing to do with glasses, but I always have the urge to quickly assess the interior and home design wherever I went). The girl who worked there was really nice and polite. The optometrist was also so friendly and kind. The man who did the cashier was also helpful. Felt so promising, wasn’t it. The important thing was that I finally chose my soon-to-be spectacles!! Not the exact size, shape or colour with my old one, but it was sitting nicely on my nose when I tried, felt like the size was just right. 

We took it, it was.. expensive tho’ 😅 ordered the one with shaved down edges (not sure how it will look when it’s ready, a bit scared it won’t be good after I heard someone else’s bad experience with it). Thank you, daddy for buying me this glasses (I hope you will always be healthy and have many fortune return). They said it will take couple of weeks to be ready, because they need to order the lens from overseas. I really hope when it’s ready, everything is perfect (or 99% perfect :P), and I can use it every day. Please pray with me guys 🤲. I have spent so many years to find the right one 😅. My glasses is my eyes 🤓

Kekuatan doa

Doa.

Saya adalah orang yang percaya sekali dengan kekuatan doa. Ketika saya berdoa, saya merasa selalu mendapat jawaban dengan cara yang misterius.

Saat ini saya sedang di posisi rendah sekali. Hati, fisik, pikiran saya sepertinya sedang terkuras habis. Lelah yang amat sangat. Ditengah keterseokan ini saya kembali mencoba duduk dengan benar di hadapan Allah SWT, memohon kebesaran hati, dikuatkan, dan diberi kesehatan.

Dan malam ini, senang sekali 😊 doa saya didengar 🥰. Tiba-tiba ada seorang pembeli yang bercerita panjang lebar tentang bagaimana dia punya tiga kerjaan, lelah sekali tapi memang begitulah hidup dan dia bilang masih bagus dia bisa punya tiga kerjaan itu dst.

Lalu saya pun tersadar, iya saya pun juga punya tiga kerjaan loh, tak heran kenapa lelahnya sampai ke ubun-ubun. Night shift ini, kerjaan mengurus anak dari sisi fisik, emosi dan agama, dan housekeeping. Baru tadi sore pun saya sempat berbicara sebentar dengan teman lama, dia bertanya berapa jam saya tidur dalam sehari. Karena dia bertanya, saya pun yang biasanya tak pernah berhitung mencoba menghitung. Ternyata saya tidur rata-rata hanya tiga jam per hari ketika saya bekerja, karena juga saya sulit sekali untuk tertidur jika ada suara biar sedikit. Tak heran kaki dan badan ini rasanya sakit sekali akhir-akhir ini.

Tapi hey, saya mengurus anak saya sendiri. Say a ada disamping anak saya ketika dia tumbuh, ketika dia ingin bercerita, ketika dia takut. Itu harganya lebih dari apapun.

Mudah-mudahan badan ini selalu kuat mengemban tiga kerjaan mulia ini. Mudah-mudahan saya selalu berada di jalan yg lurus, jalan yang Allah bukakan dan ridhoi, Aamiin

Lupa

Masih aja saya suka lupa. Jangan pernah berekspektasi sama orang. Jangan pernah berharap terlalu banyak sama orang. Bahkan orang terdekat pun bisa sengaja berlaku jahat.

Kadang lelah membuat saya lupa. Padahal harusnya saya juga tau, kerja keras kita kadang ga mendapat apresiasi. Atau, ketika kita kerja keras belum tentu orang lain tergugah untuk membantu. Bahkan mungkin saja mereka tidak sadar akan kerja keras kita.

Selalu kembali lah kepada Allah. Memang hanya Allah yang selalu ada di sisi kita dalam keadaan apapun tanpa pernah ada niat dengan sengaja berlaku tidak baik hanya untuk menyakiti seperti hal nya yang manusia lakukan

Ketika kita kecil, apabila ada sesuatu yang membuat sedih pasti orang disekitar siapa pun itu akan mendekat dan berkata ‘it’s okay’ with a warm hug. Lain ketika kita sudah dewasa, kita harus bisa memberi warm hug ke diri sendiri dan berulang-berulang berkata ‘I’m okay’ berharap mantra itu akan berhasil jika diucapkan berulang-ulang.

Merasa cukup

Hari ini lagi pengen ngobrol tentang merasa cukup. Gara-garanya sih abis baca sekilas ig nya Annisa tentang ini tadi siang. Kalimat sederhana tapi rumit loh sesungguhnya.

Kenapa rumit? Dari arti setiap kata nya aja dalem banget. Menurut kamus besar bahasa Indonesia, arti kata merasa adalah mengalami rangsangan yang mengenai (menyentuh) indra (seperti yang dialami lidah, kulit, atau badan) sedangkan kata cukup mempunyai arti: dapat memenuhi kebutuhan atau memuaskan keinginan; tidak kurang.

Abu-abu banget kan artinya. Ga ada batasan jelas dimana kah si cukup ini, kaya apa perasaan cukup ini. Cukup untuk dia belum tentu cukup untuk kita, begitu pun sebaliknya.

Berkaca ke diri sendiri, saya pun manusia biasa yang kalo dicari-cari terus kepengenannya yaa ada aja sih yang dipengenin. Belom lagi kalo liat rumput tetangga, suka ada aja yg lebih hijau kan.

Jadi sebenernya merasa cukup itu harus dimulai dari hati, dari diri sendiri. Tutup mata dari rumput tetangga dulu, baru keliatan kaya apa sih cukup itu.

Saya bukan orang yang banyak mau nya, saya lebih ke tipe yang banyak plan buat bantal pengaman di masa depan. Karena buat saya ketidakpastian itu sungguh menakutkan (walaupun udah bikin rencana juga, ketidakpastian sih tetep bakal ada ya sebenernya). Makanya saya suka bikin plan A dan B (ngga jarang juga punya plan sampe C, D, E). Tapi ya balik lagi ke kodrat nya manusia yang hanya bisa berencana, pada akhirnya Allah lah yang menentukan jalan mana yang di ridhoi Nya.

Dalam perjalanan hidup saya, walau saya punya plan A, B, C dst bahkan sampe Z, apa pernah berhenti kerja dan pindah ke Singapura jadi plan saya? Ngga tuh, itu rencana nya Allah. Selama di Singapura, saya suka sekali kerjaan saya saat itu, teman kerja yang baik-baik (yang sampai skr pun masih sering bertegur sapa lewat online platform). Apa pernah berencana akan ninggalin kerjaan itu lalu pindah ke Australia? Sama sekali ngga, kepikir aja ngga pernah. Selama di Australia, saya pikir ga bakal ngelahirin anak disini, ga bakal pindah dari daerah lama yang udah saya tinggalin selama 5 tahun kebelakang. Taunya pindah loh kita ke daerah baru (baru untuk kita maksudnya, paling cuma sekali atau dua kali kita datengin daerah ini dalam kurun lima tahun terakhir). Kerjaan juga, Alhamdulillah setahun yang lalu berjodoh dengan kerjaan yang berhubungan dengan data (saya suka berhitung karena itu logis dan nyata),dapet jg beberapa temen yang baik, tapi ternyata takdir berkata lain.

Jadi saat ini status saya kembali ke ‘job hunting’. Ga gampang banget nyari kerjaan yang saya pengen. Begitu ada lowongan yang ‘nah ini nih’ pas banget jam nya, kerjaannya. Tapi ternyata yang berpikir sama kaya saya jg banyak 😆, saingan pun melimpah ruah, ngga dapet deh kerjaannya. Tapi balik lagi ke judul tadi ‘merasa cukup’.

Saat ini Alhamdulillah dr sisi finansial kami masih cukup. Dari sisi waktu juga saya jadi masih bisa nemenin anak-anak main dan belajar (yang mungkin agak sulit dilakuin kalo saya udah kembali ke dunia kerja, karena saya orangnya capek an alias gampang abis battery 😆). Memang sih kalo liat masa depan, ketidakpastian, suka jadi ngeri. Saya itu ngga bisa dibilang mandiri secara finansial kan sebetulnya.

Jadi gimana? Jadi mari kembali ke moto hidup “hari ini harus lebih baik dari hari kemarin” dan “selalu lakuin yang terbaik yang bisa dilakuin”. Selagi mencari pekerjaan yg tepat (doain ya pemirsa biar saya dapet kerjaan yang pas, pas jam nya buat keluarga saya-karena gimana pun role utama saya ya jadi ibu, pas di kantong, pas buat saya jenis kerjaannya, Aamiin) saya berusaha lebih baik dari kemarin. Belajar setiap hari, olahraga tiap hari (walau cuma nyontek workout dr YouTube 15 menit, mana tau dapet kerjaan yang perlu tenaga banyak kan jadi saya siyap dan setrong gitu), dan lakuin yang terbaik setiap hari (walau cuma kaya berusaha beresin apartment sampe kinclong, nyuci Baju sampe lipetin, bersiin kamar mandi, masak. Kerjaan rumah yang tampak ecek2 ini sebenernya ga ecek2 loh. Waktu saya kerja full time, seperti yang udah saya bilang diatas kalo saya gampang abis battery jadi saya ga punya tenaga lebih buat ngerjain kerjaan rumah dan berakhir apartment saya seperti kandang domba yang bikin emosi. Iya saya suka emosi kalo liat berantakan. Boro-boro bisa quality time sama anak, murka aja bawaannya. Skr aja tuh kalo tengok keluar kamar, dimana semua udah pada tidur, ga ada kok yang beresin apartment kalo saya ga beres2.)

Buat semua teman-teman diluar sana yang sedang berjuang. Semoga perjuangannya segera berbuah manis ya. Jika belum pun, ngga papa jangan nyerah. Berhenti dulu sejenak buat menarik nafas, lihat sekeliling untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang ada disekitar kita. Dan jangan lupa, menjadi ambisius itu ngga apa tapi jangan lupa merasa cukup, dan inget yang menurut kita terbaik belum tentu terbaik menurut Allah SWT. Jadi jangan lupa selalu iringi langkah dengan doa 🙂

Costco

Kemaren akhirnya kita mengunjungi COSTCO!

Apa coba ya tiba2 Costco tanpa ada mukadimah 😀

Jadi Costco adalah semacem Makro nya Australia. Supermarket yang jual barang-barang dalam skala besar (paket2 jualannya paket big family, kaya minimal beli harus dua pack gede atau satu dus atau family size, ya kaya makro gitu). Buat belanja disana pun ya kita harus jadi member (ga beda sama makro juga kan).

Tapi karena entah apa, Costco ngadaain ‘hari boleh belanja tanpa harus jadi membership’ di weekend ini.

Terus jadi kita harus kesana? Ya ngga sih, tapi karena lagi ga ada apa-apa yg harus dikerjain ya kenapa ngga kesana aja kan 😀

Pengalaman ke Costco (maklum ya ini pertama kali nya ke sana setelah tinggal disini beberapa tahun jadi aga semangat).

Parkiran.

Parkirannya sih normal, kaya parkiran pada umumnya yang muat mobil banyak.

Trolley

Trolley nya ga normal (ukurannya jumbo, mungkin karena barangnya juga mayoritas raksasa). Cara ambil trolley nya ternyata harus masukin koin buat lepasin rantainya (dan kita ngga bawa koin sama sekali, ngga ngira disini bakal begitu. Terakhir pake koin buat ambil trolley kan udah lama banget di fairprice jaman tinggal di Singapura). Jadi ya kita pasrah aja, mungkin muat ditaro di stroller toh ga niat beli banyak juga (begitu niatnya). Tapi memang rejeki ngga kemana, tiba-tiba kulihat ada trolley lepas disebelah, dengan sigap langsung trolley nya diamankan 😀

Food

Karena si bocah yang kecil laper banget sampe nangis-nangis kaya belom dikasi makan dua hari. Jadi stop dulu sebelom masuk, disana ada jual makanan. Ga banyak pilihannya sih, cuma ada pizza sama chicken (entah emang biasa menu nya gitu atau karena udah menjelang tutup jadi tinggal itu). Buat pesennya contact less cuma pencet-pencet di monitor aja dan bayar pake pip di mesin nya. Ga sampe sepuluh menit, eh ga nyampe juga kayanya udah dipanggil nomernya.

Selamat makan! Pizza nya gede banget! American Pizza style!

Abis kenyang (yang kenyang cuma kakak doang kayanya, adik cuma makan sebiji soalnya dia sebenernya pengen sushi, saya makan dua gigit soalnya ga boleh makan sama adik (karena adik sukamenganut prinsip jika dia ga enjoy makannyamaka ibuknya juga jangan makan), daddy? ga tau 😛 ga ngikutin perkembangan berapa banyak yang dia makan. Yang saya tau cuma sampe rumah pizza nya tinggal dua slices, yang mana setengahnya dimakan lagi sama kakak di rumah).

Setelah pizza, adik masih nangis-nangis sebenernya karena belom kenyang mungkin atau makanannya ngga sesuai impiannya. Tapi karena dibilang mungkin didalem ada yoghurt, maka adik pun semangat masuk. Petualangan Costco pun dimulai 😀

INSIDE

Pertama masuk ada barang-barang elektronik semacem TV dan kawan-kawan, terus kebelakangnya ada mainan, buku, bbq, dan barang-barang yang ngga kita perlu lainnya. Ke belakangnya lagi ada buah-buahan yang minimal beli satu box kecil atau pack satu atau dua kilogram. Abis buah-buahan, ada bagian bakery (kita beli donat se pack gede). Di paling belakang ada ruangan kulkas (ruangan tapi dingin, dan tentu saja saya ngga tahan lama-lama disini) isinya sayur mayur, telur, dan susu.

Pilihan jatuh pada baby spinach. Karena bocah-bocah juga suka makan ini tanpa harus dimasak. Jadi?Jadi saya ga harus masak 😀

Abis ruangan-ruangan yang bikin kedinginan itu, muncul lah bagian perdagingan. Menurut website beberapa daging dan ayam nya halal. Tapi, saya ngga terlalu tertarik buat liat-liat karena banyak banget dagingnya, banyak juga orang-orang yang liat-liat dan lalu lalang sama trolleynya dan agak kurang menarik kaya di butcher yang rapi 😛 (mon maap, saya ngga terlalu suka belanja di tempat yang rame-rame dan ruwet). Yang sedikit menarik itu bagian lemari pendingin, barang-barang ga penting kaya ice cream, prawn dumpling, tteokbokki, seru sih buat liat-liat. Ada lagi yang bagian ga penting tapi penting kaya chips yang dijual di box isi 40 (kita beli satu :D), skippy botol raksasa, hot chocolate ukuran buat diminum setahun kayanya (tp tetep dibeli juga).

Di bagian tengah ada juga baju-baju. Tapi ngga terlalu menariq jadi skip.

Masih ada lagi bagian manis-manis kaya saya eh kaya coklat, permen tapi tentu saja kami lewatin dengan kecepatan kilat untuk mencegah komplikasi.

Jadi hasil petualangan hari ini adalah satu kotak besar baby spinach, jagung pack besar, pear pack besar (seminggu kedepan kakak bakal bekal pear tiap hari :P), donat isi 20, chips stock buat 6 bulan (mudah2an ngga abis lebih cepet :P), hot choco buat setaun :P, oh ketinggalan kita eh saya juga beli bubble tea (disamping sayur mayur, bener-bener deh belanja nya ngga ada yang penting :D)

Pertanyaannya, apakah kami akan jadi member disini? pak beruang sih sempet berpikir demikian. Tapi kalo saya sendiri kayanya lebih ahsyik belanja di woolies, coles, aldi dan butcher yang rapi 😀

Sekian jalan-jalan hari ini, selamat berhari minggu teman-teman 🙂

Bluey’s short trip

Inspired by true story 😀

Written by Tanti

Once upon a time, there was a really cool backpack with blue unicorn all over the backpack. The owner was a girl with a long hair and a pretty smile. The girl always called her backpack “Bluey”.

Today was school day, Bluey went to school with the girl. In the afternoon, the bell was ringing, it’s home time. Every kid in the school were rushing out through the gate, looks like they can’t wait to be home. There was another ‘thing’ who also loved hearing the bell ring, it was Bluey. He was so tired hanging all day long on the hook. He’s more than ready to go home with the girl, he always called it an adventure. They have to ride on three types of public transport. First, they get on the blue bus, the color was white and blue. Bluey was really happy, he kept on singing on the bus while looking outside through the window, but of course no one can hear him.

After many stops and a 15 minute nap, they have arrived at the last stop, train station. Bluey kept on singing from the backside of the girl. At the train station, they went through the electronic gate. There was the beep sound when she’s tapping the card and the gate is open to let them in. They turn right after the gate and took lift to platform level. They have to rush out to the train, because it was ready to go in 2 minutes. They always sat on the upper level of the train so they got a nice view along the railway.

The train was an express train, in no time they have arrived at their destination. Bluey’s so happy, he was bouncing back and forth on the back. They were heading out the train station to bus stop. This was the bus which will take them right to the front of their door step. It was a red bus. Bus was coming, they sat near the back door. After the long trip from school, the girl was feeling exhausted. She took off bluey from her back to give her back rest a little bit. Seven stops later, she pressed the button to signal the driver that she needs to get off at the next stop. The girl took off from the bus happily, finally it’s home!

What the girl didn’t hear when she’s getting off, there was someone panicking and kept on calling her. It was Bluey. She forgot about him. Bluey was left at the bus chair. Alone.

Bluey was so sad. He kept on staring at the door every time the bus stopped, he was hoping the girl will come back and get him. Three stops after the girl gone home, the door opened. There was a lady with a short hair and big shopping bag gets in and sat next to bluey. She looks surprised when she saw him, and said “what a beautiful bag, who left it here? It’s really a good bag. I think a silly girl must be forgot about her bag and she might didn’t realize that she left her bag here”. The lady getting off at the next stop. Bluey sits there alone again.

Bluey kept looking at the door, now there’s an old man with a smiley face cheerfully getting in. He said hello to the driver with a loud and cheerful voice and then he sat beside bluey. The old man spot Bluey right away, he said “oh hi there small bag, I didn’t know you’re here. Are you alone?” he looked around but couldn’t see any school kids around. “I think someone might be crying at home looking for you” he said to Bluey, you could hear that he’s feeling sorry for Bluey and someone who left him. Theold man is getting off at the next stop.

Bluey kept looking at the door, at this stop there were many school aged kids getting in. Bluey was excited, hoping his girl owner was one of them. But everyone only passing by him, rushing to sit at the back seats. There’s no girl with long hair and pretty smile. Bluey was sad.

So many stops, so many people, but the girl didn’t come back for him.

He was sad.

He felt alone…

and forgotten.

At the last stop, the driver said, “this is the last stop, thank you for using this bus and have a nice day”. Bluey said to himself, “no driver, it’s not a nice day at all for me” he was just staring at the floor until he heard hard footsteps. He also heard someone talking to the bus driver. Before he knew it, the bus driver took him from the seat and hand him to that person. He couldn’t see who that person was. He put him to his car boot. Everything was so dark but he can feel that they’re moving. Bluey was so scared, he was worried that someone kidnapped him. “Oh no, help!” He cried thinking that he won’t ever see the girl again or his home.

Finally, the car stopped. The person took him out from the car. Bluey looks around “Oh! I know this place!!” bluey feeling excited. He kept on bouncing right and left on this person’s hand. This person brought him to a house which is very familiar to him. Behind the door, Bluey can hear someone running to the door. When the door opened, there was someone with long hair impatiently asking question “daddy! did you find him??!!”. It was the girl! When she looked at Bluey, she grabbed him and hugged him really hard. Bluey was so happy. He said to the girl, “do not ever leave me again, please young lady”. Of course the girl couldn’t hear him.

Let’s just hope it won’t happen again.

Sebuah perbincangan

Ditengah malam sepi, terjadi perbincangan kecil.

A bilang “ku tetep kerja waktu aku demam tinggi”

Jawaban B “Itu pilihan kamu buat kerja waktu demam, ya jangan ngeluh”

Ah hanya sepotong kecil sekali kalimat yg terucap, tapi mengapa begitu menyakitkan mendengarnya.

Ternyata, kami berubah. Mulai tidak ada empati untuk saling mendengarkan Dan menguatkan diantara kami.

Mungkin skr waktunya menarik kembali buku diary yang mulai berdebu. Pelarian keluh kesah tanpa di judge.

Bekerja dan beranak

Dulu sering sekali mendengar tentang sulitnya menjadi Ibu bekerja. Karena belum ngalamin jadi belum kebayang seperti apa susahnya.

Sekarang, ketika teralami, ternyata gini rasanya. Banyak yg bikin pengen sedih, karena banyak waktu2 penting anak-anak yang terlewati. Tapi ya Itu ya, hidup itu antara pilihan dan perjuangan.

Ada hari-hari dimana kerasa berat banget ngejalanin hidup ini, bolak balik numpang nangis di waktu solat, karena kemana lagi tempat mengadu bukan jika bukan bersimpuh diatas sajadah. Ngobrol sama daddy kadang cuma setengah didenger, kadang malah ga ada empati nya dia malah berlalu atau ditinggal tidur.

Gak cuma sekali muncul perasaan ingin nyerah. Tapi kalo nyerah sekarang, sepertinya jadi sia-sia perjuangan ini, karena yang dituju belum tercapai.

Hari ini, di hari yg seharusnya day off, kumarahi lagi bocah kecil ku. Iya karena mengganggu ketika ku bekerja depan laptop. Menyesal. Iyalah. Tapi kalo pun bisa putar ulang waktu, mungkin itu kulakukan lg. Karena apa? Karena aku memang harus bekerja di kala itu😞.

Ketika kubuka laptop, kaki kecil Itu lagi-lagi mulai merayap naik. Dia bilang mau duduk sama Mommy. Tapi lagi2 aku menolaknya. Kasihan. Dia pergi sambil berkaya “kenapa”. Karena sayangnya kutak bisa konsentrasi dengan dia didepan laptop.

Bekerja. Berkali-kali kuutarakan keinginan ku untuk berhenti, tapi dayung tak bersambut. Ybs memang tidak memaksaku bekerja, tapi juga tdk 100% mendukung ku berhenti.

Setiap malam, aku merayap naik ke atas kasur anak lelaki kecil ku. Lalu kubisik maaf ditelinganya. Maaf, lagi-lagi waktunya sisa sedikit untuk main bersama. Oh waktu, bisakah jangan terlalu cepat bergerak?

Ah tapi, hari ini aku berhasil melihat satu perkembangan si bocah. Kami bermain dengan warna Dan dia berhasil mewarnai apel-apel kecil dengan baik. Bangga sekali. Senang sekali. Cuma hal kecil. Tapi kulihat dengan mata kepalaku sendiri. Hal kecil yg kupegang erat-erat untuk dijadikan sebagai sumber kekuatan untuk menyelesaikan hal besar lain yg tak kusuka.

Semoga, hari esok lebih baik dari hari ini.